his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
