I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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