Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
