Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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