Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
