I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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