dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
