im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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