You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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