Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
