I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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