I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
