man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
