If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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