i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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