You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
