Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
