Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
