Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
