I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
