I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
