I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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