I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
