I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
jump out the window naked night went bad
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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