Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
