Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
