Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
