Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
