i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
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