i can't believe i had my finger in that
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
