I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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