I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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