I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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