What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
