She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i drank out of a bidet.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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