My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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