you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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