Midget sex pt 2 tonight
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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