i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
