You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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