This is not my ceiling
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
