I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This baby is an asshole
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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