worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
