Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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