I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
