I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
