i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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