FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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