She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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