haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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