Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
