You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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